Wanted somewhere to put what I'm working on that wasn't just a Discord message or a tweet that disappears. Still figuring out what goes here exactly.

I RUIINED IT ITS MY FAUOLT I RUINED MY BODY I RUINED MY BODY I RUIED MY ABDOMEN MY LOWER PART OF MY ABDOMEN I RUINED IT MY FAULT PLEASE CREATOR OF THIS REALM HELP ME PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

I ruined my fucking body i ruined it i ruined it i ruined itttttttttttttttttttttt

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I feel my body detiroting aswell as my mind your body affects your mind i wanna be myself again i wanna be myself again i want my body i was never like this this is just bullshit bullshit bullshit

Idk but i can feel something eatin away at my muscles on my cheeks it hasnt ahappend in a while i do not know whats causing it

Its in my abdomen whatever it is its my lower part of my abdomen this is the crazy part that no one believes me or listens to me and i know the part that i almost died was due to my abdomen and the other for my muscles i have a suspicion that its a virus that hasnt been found. Oh god oh creator of all thing oh you who made this world of randomness please let me be normal again i want my body to be like it was. pleas ei beg you i beg you what has happend to me hahahahaha this is asdapiskdjaspoajsd not fairrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I dont wanna live like this help me please. Anyone help, im ready to go home to go to my people in the nothingness this life is nothing but a misery there is no way to help anyone only misery and misery alone. Im too good for this earth

again the pulsing happend today in the middle i am just over this bullshit if i really wanted to i could just crunch myself and die, stopping the curculation in that part because i feel like thats what happens when it pulses, my abdomen and its contents feel out of place i cannot explain it how it feels its like a lego piece nudge to a different piece and is never completed and that is every single day i just want to be me again. my mom who is supposed to help she said i will never get better and i need to suck it up and live with it well that hurts it really does that no one wants to help me. It doesnt ammter everything is fine just keep swimming just keep swimming.

it seems everything is ok for the most part besides the giga fatness and no muscles my abdomen seems to be ok but its not i can feel it out of place the bottom part of it its way up the muscles too but its ok i am one person in this world who is forggotten by it and thats ok. the food isnt being absored partucarly it seems that the meat and proteins from it are not being absored but fats seem to be abosred just fine whenever i eat i can feel my muscles on my face just thinnin itselfs its like when i eat the food pushesh out the other food in my intestines and isnt being absored i suspect that only 1 part of my intestines absorbs food the rest doesnt do anythign that could explain the feel of not having organs when i woke up from the hospital i defently severed something in my intestines but no one believes me and thats ok i will bare this for however long i can whatever its my destiny it shall be it.

It has happend today, the feeling of pulsing inside in my abdomen happend the same way it did in the hospital before it made me almost black out feeling having like the ground is pulling me in losig balence but yeah that didnt happpen and im good.

woke up reminiscing of times before this wanting to go back the way i was in my comfy bed with blanket over me feeling like myself. not this body that i am now i wish to be functioning again. today i will probably play games and thats it thats my life other people have different lifes i am just a monotone being i guess i am sick of this yet i cant do anything to change it. it seems out of my hands i tried but yeah its all whatever your childhood was thats what you are going to become. it shapes who you are.

Its been almost a month since i last updated this diary not much has happend but i do feel quite better there are occasional high pulses sharp pain on my left side of my neck and my muscles still havent recovered they just dont seem to function properly my poop is yellow aswell last couple of times i went same consistency like paste i havent masturbated in a long time i dont have the need to its like my reproductive system is gone. my arms are skinny i am skinny fat or whatever its called fat but my muscle is so low dense that idk how to explain it that empty feeling in my abdomen is gone but there is still some remeniscene of it when i eat sometimes i started to wanting to throw up but not really throwing up its like i want to burp but it gets lodged somewhere and it makes me want to throw up and it makes me tear up aswell for some reason simultaneously. well besides that nobody cares about what is wrong with my body doctor nobody i am just left alone to my demise to this curse that has been put upon me but thats ok i am but one person in the grant scheme of things a wheel that can never run. Anyway besides that i have played lots of minecraft speedruning started in coal with no understading of whats happening in the game and got to gold pretty quick got a chivements too which were hard pretty good time i should say but i am my body back period this body is not mine. I have fat storage on me but no muscles my muscless are non existent my hands are so thin i can feel my cheeks getting decrease everytime its like they are getting sculpted i can just feel my muscles going away and back away and back but for how long that is i do not know i wish things werent like this i met amazing people i n the speedruning community

That sharp feeling pain in my left side of my neck is still there the twitching of my muscles too, the discomfort in the lower part of my belly under my belly button, i still cant sleep properly, i still feel like i am being drained my muscles on my face are being drained particulrly on my cheeks i can feel it but what can i do ? what is there to do i just have to accept that this is my life now even if its unbearable and i that i want to go back in time and be like i was i just wish i didnt have to go through this

It seems i am getting somewhat better i am feeling better but still cant sleep on my back i need to sleep on my left or right side that is the weird thing and even them its hard for me to sleep... i do not how to put it into words.

Sharp pain in my left side of the neck spreading in the left side of head like a sharp object is inside of me, that has happen multiple times from the beginning it seems to active from my abdomen area when i move or the back of my neck i am really not sure. scratch that is the neck i think maybe both

You never know what you have until you lose it and you regret your life away i hate this i want to go back this is just sad .

I want to go back i want to go back i want to go back to when everything was good i hate this i am FUUUUUUUUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKFU CKFU CKUF CKFU CKUFCK THIS IS A NIGHTMARE I WANT IT TO STOP, I REGRET EVERYTHING I WANT MY LIFE BACK I WANT MY BODY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQ7oqmikZDQ

I want to go back in time when i was good when everything was good, i feel now even my abillity to think is decreasing, this is it i fear.

Playing games pretty much the whole time and going to the doctors. I want to go back to how i was before all of this happend.

Its the morning around 6 am i "woke up" and watched tv which i was not a fan back when i was good but now it seems that i have grown to not care about it. i had an erection in the morning which is still dont feel my sexual fucntion i dont feel anything not even thoughs i am sick of this but it is what it is i can't seem to change that i am no longer a man well i am but just not that part of me, i wont lie i think the sexual funtionc of a man is what drives him forward while women dont have that funtction they only think they dont a drive like men and now i dont have it aswell so yeah it is true that women think more about what you say to them because they dont have anything else going. Playing league right now in the morning

Went to school went for grocories and then came home ate felt better somewhat i still think my stomach is in a wrong place because whenever i sit down and eat and then stand up i start burping everytime this happens its like the there is some kind of blockage somewhere, well thats it i played games watched videos oh my neck felt shitty when i woke up the right side then move through my whole neck and i mean the boney part and yeah

Went to school and came back now i am home and playing Apex Legends

Not much has happend besides that i felt bad and my heart area hurting for like 30 mins, watching senny vod playing hytale.

Went to the doctor with mom he examined me asked absolutely everything and we will see what will happen but he said most said most likely is not from endcronology based came back played games watched youtube now watching sennyk4 play HYTALE highly anticipated from me even it was about time. I still wanna go back in time i miss the time when i was good.

Played games whole day and again this time at around 10 pm while i was still playing my pulse jumped to 130 with a bad feeling throughout my whole body

Woke up feeling better but i still feel like something in my abdomen right above my belly button on the right. Playing league of 6 hours then apex legends then watched Edge of Tommorow, i can't sleep i just turn in bed

I went to the hospital three times and I managed to get in touch with the doctor, who told me to call him on the 13th to check if the funding by the government is approved for a scanner. So yeah, that is pretty much it. I go to school, I come back, I play games. That is my life.I do not feel good. I feel like there is something wrong with my abdomen. There is a weird feeling. I hold food for so long, like hours on end, but when I lay down on my left or right side it seems to go through somehow. I do not know. I feel like the structure of my insides is ruined somehow. There is something wrong. Please, I want to go back. I want to feel good again. I want to feel like myself.Also, whenever I do it, I expect to feel something, but I do not. I feel nothing, just an empty feeling. I do not have sexual desire either. My thoughts about that are gone. My function is gone. I want it back. Please.I am playing the new season of League, and my first impressions are that it is stomp or be stomped. Whoever can bully their lane the most will win, averaging a ten thousand gold lead for the winning team.I reminisce about the time when I was good, about the time I spent in VRChat with people I liked. I miss it. I miss them.I talked to my one and only friend and we played CS as well. Then we said our goodbyes, and something happened to me in my abdomen after I stretched my muscle and felt something snap. My pulse jumped to 120, I felt lightheaded, and I had tingling in my feet, which could potentially be internal bleeding.

Another uneventfull day went to school then right after went to the VMA hospital where the person there said to come back tommorow after that i went to do grocories got cookies crossaints, chicken with rice, peach drink, my favourite melon (cantilope) drink, water 10 liters and came back home played games rewatching Source code (2011), Looper and thats it pretty much my head is kinda like under pressure i do not like it at all.

Went to bed somehow around 2 am woke up at 5 am and stayed in bed until 8 am went to school, did grocieries and here i am just cried a lot but it is what it is i can't do anything about i am so done with this please. i dont wanna feel like this anymore no more please...

Nothing much happen besides going to the doctor to save a date for a visit. Besides that the usual playing games watching stuff and praying to go back in time to when i was good.

woke up at 10 am i dont know much much time i needed to go to bed so its till around 4 hours of sleep. i do feel refreshed working on the condition page and watching vulpes play cod campaing which i dont like it seems meh, i did it again and its still watery i dont feel anything at the climax... 619981 is pretty good my muscles on my back hurt from carrying the groceries yesterday.

I was watching VulpesHD watch game trailers and play some Apex Legends. I suck at it now, I'm not good anymore, and I get fried every time. :( I went out and did groceries for the first time this year, and I went through the self-checkout with my card in euros. I bought these cookies with cranberry and white chocolate, and let me tell you, they slap. After that, I came back, played League, played Apex, and watched stuff, mostly YouTube videos from youtubers like Crispy Concords, Niko Omilana, Zac Aslop, and Jack Pembroke. Now I can't sleep; it's 4 a.m. I also Masturbated and I still don’t feel anything in my head at the climax. My sperm is watery, like it doesn't contain any sperm cells. Oh well.

Today is the day I created this website. While working on its content, my day went as usual. I played Apex Legends and League of Legends, watched YouTube and Twitch, mostly VulpesHD—he's so cute! :) <3 I also talked to my uncle about my condition. It has improved, but I still don’t feel good. I still have random muscle fasciculations, muscle weakness when i flex them it hurts me its feels as though they cannot regenerate and I don’t feel anything in my abdomen below my belly button. My sexual function is just gone, and I can’t sleep for more than 3 hours. The rest of the time, I’m just awake in bed. Now I’m writing this and watching TV. I’ll probably play some more games, then watch a game show, and then I’ll probably repeat the loop of watching YouTube or Twitch and playing games until I’m tired enough to get in bed. The problem is, I can’t get into a deep sleep. It’s really strange. I used to have such good sleep, and now I don’t anymore. I used to sleep for hours, sometimes until 10 AM... It's the morning i sleept maybe 3 hours fall asleep at 4 am maybe and woke up at 8 i do however feel refreshed and i did whatever i said also i watched Tut the TV Series from 2016 i actually really enjoyed i didnt enjoy the part where Ankhasenamun killed Suhad i cried the whole time in the suspense i hated it i hated how much pain Tut had to go through